It’s been a while since I last wrote. I don’t know where to begin as far as catching up. I’ve been in a rut and really I don’t know how to get out of it. Lately I’ve had some consistent thoughts of the war. None are happy or even proud moments. When I first got back I tried to make sense of a lot of things and create a story about my experiences. In retrospect I can say that my optimism was sometimes masked by trying to make light of my situation. I wanted to just feel normal again. What is normal after all? My experience was my own and others may feel it wasn’t enough. I can neither agree nor concede that mindset. All I know is it is still here with me today.

The thoughts as of late are like mini clips from a movie. The images of smashing a door down and seeing the utter terror on peoples faces. The one Marine interpreter and the look on his face with an entry wound to the cheek and this massive exit wound to the back of head. That look haunts me. The night an Iraqi snuck up on an OP and was shot to shit. His intestines hanging out and the mumbling of words that I will never know what they meant. I could go on. The thoughts are eating at me. I try to put them out but they come back and replay in my head. I’ve tried talking to people about it, tried to write about it but it never leaves.

So this brings me back to why I stopped writing. There are people who don’t give a shit about what is going on over here. This site isn’t a story book to live vicarious in. These words are my experience and not a place where I need to write for anyone. I felt as if I was writing for an audience rather than just venting my emotions.

Another thing is it’s always a question of justification. It enrages me. I’ve spoken to people and once they know that I'm in Iraq, they want to gauge my opinion and stance on it. I can feel their challenge and I try to make light of the situation. I am not the one who decided to send troops there.I just feel that this story that I began so long ago has nearly run its course. I don’t know what else I can say about it.